Stag weekends: Some of the geezers you’ll get drunk with

Stag Dos by Tom NashIt can happen in your hometown, abroad or in a random city or other location somewhere a decent distance away from where you live.

A stag weekend can consist of many things but can essentially be boiled down to a basic formula:

Bloke getting married + his male family & friends + an activity + lots of booze² = stag do

If you aren’t super boring and have an interesting mix of people in your life, your stag do will also likely feature some of these characters:

The Control Freak
Despite the itinerary that has been planned and paid for in advance, this bloke always knows exactly what will make everyone else’s day that much more enjoyable, usually by insisting on cash for nasty drinks or by leading the party to dives he noticed some old slappers go into a minute ago.

It’s never the best man, who has been to great pains to get between ten and thirty egos in the same place at the same time, and it’s never the Stag himself either, just a well-meaning friend or relative that can’t help but step on toes.

Want a foul, bright coloured, sweet cocktail that looks and tastes like it’s designed to loosen up teenage slappers? Of course you don’t- you want a pint, but this fella will make sure you’re drinking cheap shit while he shaves off the extra money from the whip-round he forced upon everyone. Cheers!

The Sex-Starved
You can tell them by their native call: “TITTY BAR-TITTY BAR-TITTY BAR!”

Wherever you are, this poon-hound will sniff out somewhere you can get ridiculously over-priced drinks while an eighteen year-old with bad skin and daddy issues grinds in front of you, all dead-eyed and vacant. They won’t stop going on about it either, no matter how against the idea his prudish companions seem to be.

The funny thing is, though- he often seems to be…

The ‘Happily’ Married
If there is one person in the group that is determined to speak to anything in a skirt that looks your way, chances are it’ll be one of the married blokes that’s there. It’s almost like they can sniff out the damaged goods that stalk town centres…

If the married men in your group are not desperately chasing ladies, they may be:

The Bloke with an Overbearing Missus (or Mum…?)
As this is one of the rare occasions when he’s been allowed out, this fella is determined to drink so much that he replaces all the liquid in his body with Fosters, shots of Sambuca and JD & Coke. The night will be a waste if he does not leave it drunker than the combined pissed-ness of Oliver Reed, Peter O’Toole, Richard Harris and Andre the Giant in their multiple-day-bender-having heydays.

The Observer
He doesn’t say much during the event, but if you’re one of the fellas mentioned above, he’s the one you want to keep your missus away from at the wedding.

The Superior
He winces at every cheer, yell or football chant the group erupts into and finds himself apologising to people he passes or the unfortunate staff of the curryhouse that has to deal with this melee of drunken reprobates. You could mistake him for The Observer at a glance, but his frown and icy glare mark his true identity.

The Randomer
The Stag’s dad is there, you recognise his brothers and you met most of this lot at that New Year’s party you failed to get arseholed before midnight at; that lot went to school with him, he met him at college and those two lads are from his work…

So how does that fella you were sat next to at the meal know everyone/anyone? And why was he so standoffish when your over-inquisitive, borderline autistic mate asked him?

Gentlemen, I think we have a mole.

There’s no reason to worry though, ladies- blokes say “What happens in [insert shit-hole] stays in [insert shit-hole], then upload a fuck-ton of photos to Facebook anyway…