Right. We’ve covered the positive side of things, now it’s time we looked at why a lot of people cannot stand this festive time of year.
Where the fuck to begin?
Whether it’s M&S whoring themselves out to the X-Factor crowd (which stinks of desperation), the diabetes-inducing BBC sing-along, that aardvark looking creature in the Iceland ads trying to flog you suspiciously cheap ‘meat’, the idealised little gobshite in the fucking John Lewis advert (so Morrissey is tolerable if you get someone else to sing his songs, eh? Who knew!), or the Littlewoods horror story that uses small children in a lazy attempt to mask its message of shameless consumerism, this time of the year advertisers crank the levels of saccharin up to eleven and morons fall for it. Every time.
What’s that Chanel No. 5 advert all about as well? Ladies- next time you’re gazing lustfully out of a train window and a passing bloke stops to sniff your neck, I’d like to know whether it is a genuinely romantic moment or horrific and creepy… I know which one my money’s on.
And I do hope I’m not the only one who finds the thought of being moved to tears by AN ADVERT deeply troubling… Which reminds me:
People turn into overly sentimental twats
The run up to Christmas spells a time when logic and reason suddenly vanish from people that are usually logical and reasonable. It must have something to do with Christmas trees, as people tend to turn mawkish once they have decorated theirs.
How else can you explain people who listen to Christmas songs out of choice?
Towns and shopping centres become even more nightmarish
We all know how bad it is normally but in the weeks before Christmas (and the days following it when the sales begin) during the time of alleged ‘peace and good will’, venturing into a town centre is like descending into the seventh level of Hell. Because…
In the day they are swarmed by stressed out and highly volatile people…
In the evening they are swarmed by stressed out and highly volatile people. That are full of booze.
Sounds delightful. I’ll meet you there.
The political-correctness-gone-mad brigade
Please, for the love of whatever you hold dear, don’t let these people see a Christmas card that features a contemporary design which doesn’t include the word ‘Christmas’ or that says ‘Season’s Greetings’ or some other vaguely secular message.
It’s funny how folks who don’t display any form of religious belief at any other time of the year get fiercely defensive of the fact that Christmas is a Christian festival…
I wonder how those same people would react if you told them that the Christian festival was shoehorned into a date celebrated by Pagans for thousands of years before Christianity even existed and that Yule log they’re tucking into is direct evidence of that…?
Maybe we’ll get lucky and find out with a rational and well thought out comment below. (Fingers crossed)
Fucking charades and boardgames
There’s not much to dislike about Christmas Day, what with all the great food, pressies, that period of the day when everyone gets on. It’s great. Until someone brings out Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary or suggests a game of charades…
Just take a moment and think about how many Christmases around the country, or even the whole world, that are going to be ruined because Uncle Fuckstick fell into a drunken rage after spending half an hour miming scenes from Avatar and got into a fight with Auntie Whatever’s new boyfriend…
If your family has any dignity, they’ll just watch the EastEnders Christmas episode. There’s guaranteed to be enough trauma in that half hour for everyone.
Still thirteen shopping days to go, mind. I may even come up with more…