You can split new drivers into two categories: The timid and The reckless.

The timid simply need some support and as more experienced road users, we are the ones to offer it. If they are taking rather a long time to perform a turn or parallel park at the side of the road, for example, offer some gentle encouragement with a few short-sharp horn blasts. If they are driving a little too slowly for your liking, simply inform them by tailgating them for a mile or two then performing a dangerous overtaking manoeuvre, preferably on a blind corner. Remember to always ‘cut them up’ after passing.

The reckless drives a £50 car and knows it. Within weeks they evolve into The Kamikaze. If you’re lucky, they will have ‘P’ plates on their car, the ‘P’ standing for ‘Probably best you keep your distance.’

Apparently this person doesn’t realise their car has more than two gears. Or maybe they think they’re driving a tractor. Either way, if you’re in a rush to get somewhere, nine times out of ten this is who will be in front of you. They also tend be:

The slightest bend in the road? BRAKE! Speed hump? BRAKE! Car coming in the opposite direction? BRAKE! Driving down a tiny incline? FOR GOD’S SAKE, BRAKE!!!!!

You always get one in a traffic jam, usually in an expensive German car (funny that…). They seem to think their horn contains magical powers and repeated use will somehow clear whatever it is that is causing the hold up. All it really does is inform everyone else that there is a self-important fuck-tard in the shiny motor…

I know- not technically a driver, but a fucking menace on the roads nonetheless. Again, they can be sub-categorised: The hardcore and The novice

The hardcore: In their mind they’re Lance Armstrong. In reality they’re Barry from Accounting. Clad in spandex (always a good look), these are the self-righteous arseholes who bang on your car if they feel an injustice has been inflicted upon them… which is always, of course.

The novice: Seemingly not familiar with the rules of the road, this cyclist seems intent on dying today. Whether it is by weaving in and out of parked cars like a game of peek-a-boo-Russian-Roulette or just wobbling into passing traffic, they will be leaving their mark on the world today and that mark will be on your bonnet and possibly your windscreen too.

For Part Three click here

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