People: We have enough of this lot, thank you very much

People we have enough of image by Tom Nash
There are a lot of people in this world. Some might argue too many.

While I am certainly NOT suggesting that radical population control is something we should consider, I AM suggesting that maybe we have enough of certain types of people. Maybe not even types, just particular traits, habits and personality quirks…

Such as:

People who hold conversations in the middle of busy pavements
If there’s one entry on this list we can agree on, it’s this, right? How has society come so far without some kind protocol for this situation?

Well, we haven’t and the best we can do is mutter something to express our frustration or make a point of brushing them with a shoulder as we struggle past this roadblock constructed of self-obsessed moron.

The world doesn’t need any more of these people, thanks.

People who are taken by surprise when they have to pay in shops

Mentioned this in a previous post about shopping. It still irritates.

People whose career goal is ‘be famous’

I’m just not sure there’s enough ‘off’ left in the world that this lot can fuck… That makes me sad in my heart.

People who try to force their opinions on you

I consider myself a fairly liberal-minded person; the idea of people of the same sex marrying doesn’t fill me with inexplicable and highly questionable rage, I don’t think that immigration is anything near as big a problem as it is made out to be and the fact that companies appeal to xenophobes by talking up their British-based call centres in their advertising makes me die a little inside.

You may not agree. Fine. I won’t try to convince you otherwise. Know why? It’s because I understand that preaching at someone who is not interested is a waste of time and energy. The only opinion you change is their opinion of you. Guess what, professor? That freshly formed opinion won’t be more positive…!

Can’t handle the fact that people hold different opinions? Don’t bring up divisive subjects. Easy.

We can lump in conspiracy theorists who talk down to anyone who disagrees as well, actually. We have enough of you too.

People who label cuntish behaviour as ‘banter’ and pricks as ‘lads’

See also: anyone who labels themselves a ‘casual’ or ‘geezer’. We’re on to you, fellas; you’re not funny, you’re odious.

And while we’re here- who told you that doing up the top button on a polo shirt looks good? (Did you ever consider they were taking the piss?)

People who vocalise web acronyms

Ever responded to something funny by saying ‘lol’ rather than- you know- laughing… out loud? Maybe you drop an ‘omg’ when shocked or surprised… If you are not a thirteen year-old girl, we have enough of you, thanks.

People who think St George’s Day should be a national holiday

Oh, if only they could come up with a valid reason for it, then the rest of us could stop rolling our eyes whenever the subject comes up… (Having a tantrum and noting that people seem to enjoy St Patrick’s Day isn’t an reasoned argument, I’m afraid.)

Until that happens, or hell freezes over, they will continue to battle for the cause by sharing angry memes on Facebook and believing The Sun and Daily Mail when they make up stories about pubs banning folks from entering if they wield flags or wear England football shirts.

And that’s why we have enough of this lot. Please do not make any more. Ta.

People who say “This would be a great place to work if it wasn’t for [insert sole reason job exists]!”

Hahahahaha… Cretins.

People who wear sunglasses inside or at night

The quickest way to spot the biggest wanker at any event- of course it’s the bloke at the bar wearing shades at 10pm.

So maybe they’re doing us a service by providing a simple yet effective way of identifying them…? I take it back, cocks who wear sunglasses indoors, keep being you.

People who take photos with a tablet device

After the revolution, it will be your civic duty to slap the iPad (other devices are available) from the hands of anyone who takes a photo with one in a public place. There will be fines for those who do not comply.

TOM HAS SPOKEN.

Weddings: Free booze, dinner, smiles and some characters

Weddings by Tom NashThose looking for me to spout a load of bile about watching your mates make a potentially huge mistake or downplaying what a lot of women (and even a couple of men, once) have been looking forward to and planning in their mind for most of their lives, then I’m afraid you will be a bit let down by this piece. I enjoy a wedding as much as the next bloke who likes free food and drink and a day sharing genuine happiness with loads of people whose company doesn’t make you want to assault and maim.

Don’t worry though, there are still plenty of things about wedding guests that I can harp on about. Speaking of which:

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Stag weekends: Some of the geezers you’ll get drunk with

Stag Dos by Tom NashIt can happen in your hometown, abroad or in a random city or other location somewhere a decent distance away from where you live.

A stag weekend can consist of many things but can essentially be boiled down to a basic formula:

Bloke getting married + his male family & friends + an activity + lots of booze² = stag do

If you aren’t super boring and have an interesting mix of people in your life, your stag do will also likely feature some of these characters:
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Common Lies: What people really mean

Lies by Tom Nash Last time we got a little controversial, we looked at taking offence and why certain sections of society need to chill the fuck out a bit.

This time, I’ve decided it’s time we looked at some of the things that people say to prevent aforementioned offence, feed delusions or, in the case of single males, persuade ladies to touch their boy bits.

Now, I should probably chuck in a quick disclaimer: if you’re one of those creepily possessive fellas that can’t handle the fact that your missus might have spoken to and kissed a few blokes (plus their dicks) before she met you, or you’re a princess that must always get their own way, has that weird overly touchy-feely relationship with their dad well into adulthood and needs constant reassurance that their fella doesn’t deem any other ladies bangable, there may be some things disclosed in the following paragraphs that might make you a bit angry and confused. Don’t take it out on the other half, eh?

Anyway, let’s crack on (in no particular order):
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Offence: When did everyone get so precious?

Offence by Tom NashDespite what many of my blog posts may suggest, I try to make the journeys where I climb up onto my pedestal and proclaim something bullshit rare. When I do, I try to make it worthwhile. I consider this piece one of those. The ease at which people take offence to things these days is fucking ridiculous. Feel free to disagree- that’s what the comment section is for.

Now don’t go thinking I’m one of those “it’s Political Correctness gone mad” pee-narses, this is nothing to do with deluded excuses for racist/xenophobic/racist and xenophobic language/behaviour/language and behaviour, as those of you who make to the end will see.

Now, cleverer people than me have explained why ‘Political Correctness’ is a good thing and they’ve done it in a much more entertaining and eloquent way than I ever could, so I’m going to let one of them do it for me now. If you think ‘Political Correctness’ has ‘gone mad’, watch this clip of comedian Stewart Lee and join the rest of us in a bit, OK?

No, my beef is with the sense of privilege that people are increasingly displaying. The sense of privilege that seems to believe that we are all unique and delicate porcelain dolls that must be handled carefully in case something upsets us. And god-forbid anyone or anything that does.
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Motorway Services: Where the bare minimum costs more

At the Service Station by Tom NashAh, the motorway service station. A British institution if ever there was one. They are nobody’s destination but still, usually thanks to our bladders, on long car journeys many of us can be found prying ourselves out of our vehicles and lumbering into these soulless strip-lighted bastions of aggressive capitalism like Zombies, ready to pay massively inflated prices for, well, everything… like the mugs we are.

Next time you find yourself at a Welcome Break or a RoadChef, take a look around. They’re great places to do a bit of people watching. You may just spot some of this lot:

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Men: Stereotypes that cannot be denied

Men by Tom NashMen. Despite what some people may say, we’re not a complex breed.

Keep us fed, watered and supplied with things we enjoy, be it football on the telly, the poetry of William Blake or tits (we can be quite diverse in our tastes) and we’re quite happy. Plonk a lady (or another bloke- we don’t discriminate here at TWTN) in front of us and add a vague possibility of having sex with said lady (or man) and we may even produce beautiful music, paintings, architecture and literature.

That being so, it can get a little grating when advertisers portray us as moronic adult-sized babies that without female supervision fuck up tasks the average eleven-year-old can manage to pull off with ease…

*I would quickly like to acknowledge that being British, male and white, I realise that claiming misrepresentation by the media is a bit like Bill Gates crying about losing a tenner, but I needed to pad out this introduction a bit. It’s done now, let’s all be grown up about it and move on.*

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People: More things that will be banned when the revolution happens

Annoying People by Tom NashDid you really think I would just write a single post about this?

To be honest, I could stop writing about everything else and still come up with a new post every week, but anyone who knows me knows that I’m not bitter and twisted enough to do something like that… Shut up.

First draft of this read like a manifesto, albeit a disturbingly violent one. So all references to ‘pimp-slaps’ and eye-stabbings performed with shitty sticks have been removed, in keeping with the usual light-hearted banter you’ve come to expect from this blog.

Anyways, time to point the finger at more behaviour I and many other like-minded folk believe warrants calling whoever does it a twat:

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People: Things that will be banned when the revolution happens

Annoying People by Tom NashNobody is perfect. We all have little personality quirks and tics that make us who we are and that’s great. Diversity is the spice of life after all… Unless you’re horribly xenophobic and racist. If that’s the case, diversity is the source of fear and confusion, but that’s a different post entirely. However, there are a few traits that some people exhibit that are so obnoxious and irritating for anyone around them that the only logical solution is to punch them in their stupid faces… But of course you can’t do that, because you’d end up looking like the arsehole if you did. So instead we suffer in silence, waiting till they are not around so we can talk shit about them behind their back… Damn you, society!

Here’s a smattering of things people do that if you have any sense at all will piss you off too:

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