People: We have enough of this lot, thank you very much

People we have enough of image by Tom Nash
There are a lot of people in this world. Some might argue too many.

While I am certainly NOT suggesting that radical population control is something we should consider, I AM suggesting that maybe we have enough of certain types of people. Maybe not even types, just particular traits, habits and personality quirks…

Such as:

People who hold conversations in the middle of busy pavements
If there’s one entry on this list we can agree on, it’s this, right? How has society come so far without some kind protocol for this situation?

Well, we haven’t and the best we can do is mutter something to express our frustration or make a point of brushing them with a shoulder as we struggle past this roadblock constructed of self-obsessed moron.

The world doesn’t need any more of these people, thanks.

People who are taken by surprise when they have to pay in shops

Mentioned this in a previous post about shopping. It still irritates.

People whose career goal is ‘be famous’

I’m just not sure there’s enough ‘off’ left in the world that this lot can fuck… That makes me sad in my heart.

People who try to force their opinions on you

I consider myself a fairly liberal-minded person; the idea of people of the same sex marrying doesn’t fill me with inexplicable and highly questionable rage, I don’t think that immigration is anything near as big a problem as it is made out to be and the fact that companies appeal to xenophobes by talking up their British-based call centres in their advertising makes me die a little inside.

You may not agree. Fine. I won’t try to convince you otherwise. Know why? It’s because I understand that preaching at someone who is not interested is a waste of time and energy. The only opinion you change is their opinion of you. Guess what, professor? That freshly formed opinion won’t be more positive…!

Can’t handle the fact that people hold different opinions? Don’t bring up divisive subjects. Easy.

We can lump in conspiracy theorists who talk down to anyone who disagrees as well, actually. We have enough of you too.

People who label cuntish behaviour as ‘banter’ and pricks as ‘lads’

See also: anyone who labels themselves a ‘casual’ or ‘geezer’. We’re on to you, fellas; you’re not funny, you’re odious.

And while we’re here- who told you that doing up the top button on a polo shirt looks good? (Did you ever consider they were taking the piss?)

People who vocalise web acronyms

Ever responded to something funny by saying ‘lol’ rather than- you know- laughing… out loud? Maybe you drop an ‘omg’ when shocked or surprised… If you are not a thirteen year-old girl, we have enough of you, thanks.

People who think St George’s Day should be a national holiday

Oh, if only they could come up with a valid reason for it, then the rest of us could stop rolling our eyes whenever the subject comes up… (Having a tantrum and noting that people seem to enjoy St Patrick’s Day isn’t an reasoned argument, I’m afraid.)

Until that happens, or hell freezes over, they will continue to battle for the cause by sharing angry memes on Facebook and believing The Sun and Daily Mail when they make up stories about pubs banning folks from entering if they wield flags or wear England football shirts.

And that’s why we have enough of this lot. Please do not make any more. Ta.

People who say “This would be a great place to work if it wasn’t for [insert sole reason job exists]!”

Hahahahaha… Cretins.

People who wear sunglasses inside or at night

The quickest way to spot the biggest wanker at any event- of course it’s the bloke at the bar wearing shades at 10pm.

So maybe they’re doing us a service by providing a simple yet effective way of identifying them…? I take it back, cocks who wear sunglasses indoors, keep being you.

People who take photos with a tablet device

After the revolution, it will be your civic duty to slap the iPad (other devices are available) from the hands of anyone who takes a photo with one in a public place. There will be fines for those who do not comply.

TOM HAS SPOKEN.

Facebook: Why it gets boring and those fighting the dull

Tom Nash Facebook Drawing No.2When it was new Facebook opened up a never-before-seen (apart from MySpace, Friends Reunited, Bebo and various others), gossip-laden world of forgotten school and university mates, former colleagues and long out-of-touch family members.

You could approach it like Pokemon and add everyone you ever stood next to, you could catch up with folk you lost touch with and you could draw offensive pictures on your mates’ ‘walls’ that questioned their sexuality. All fun and new.

Skip ahead eight years, past numerous shitstorm-causing updates, a company floatation and a tidal wave of corporate accounts… Where’s all the fun gone?
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Weddings: Free booze, dinner, smiles and some characters

Weddings by Tom NashThose looking for me to spout a load of bile about watching your mates make a potentially huge mistake or downplaying what a lot of women (and even a couple of men, once) have been looking forward to and planning in their mind for most of their lives, then I’m afraid you will be a bit let down by this piece. I enjoy a wedding as much as the next bloke who likes free food and drink and a day sharing genuine happiness with loads of people whose company doesn’t make you want to assault and maim.

Don’t worry though, there are still plenty of things about wedding guests that I can harp on about. Speaking of which:

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Stag weekends: Some of the geezers you’ll get drunk with

Stag Dos by Tom NashIt can happen in your hometown, abroad or in a random city or other location somewhere a decent distance away from where you live.

A stag weekend can consist of many things but can essentially be boiled down to a basic formula:

Bloke getting married + his male family & friends + an activity + lots of booze² = stag do

If you aren’t super boring and have an interesting mix of people in your life, your stag do will also likely feature some of these characters:
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Common Lies: What people really mean

Lies by Tom Nash Last time we got a little controversial, we looked at taking offence and why certain sections of society need to chill the fuck out a bit.

This time, I’ve decided it’s time we looked at some of the things that people say to prevent aforementioned offence, feed delusions or, in the case of single males, persuade ladies to touch their boy bits.

Now, I should probably chuck in a quick disclaimer: if you’re one of those creepily possessive fellas that can’t handle the fact that your missus might have spoken to and kissed a few blokes (plus their dicks) before she met you, or you’re a princess that must always get their own way, has that weird overly touchy-feely relationship with their dad well into adulthood and needs constant reassurance that their fella doesn’t deem any other ladies bangable, there may be some things disclosed in the following paragraphs that might make you a bit angry and confused. Don’t take it out on the other half, eh?

Anyway, let’s crack on (in no particular order):
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Swimming pools: A haven for weirdos

At the swimming pool by Tom NashWhile I am by no means a chunky monkey, as my third decade of existence creeps ever closer, the fact that I do less than no exercise, love me some cake, burn my way through my fair share of Silk Cut and suffer with the occasional bad back has begun to play on my mind a little, so me and the missus decided to do something about it and earlier this year I started tearing up the local pool like a short, pasty, terribly unfit Michael Phelps.

As I am not especially fond of the general public and because I work for a living, we venture to the pool as late as we can. However, while we miss most of the folk who frequent the place we still have to deal with:

The naked old man
Who insists on keeping his withered tackle on display for as long as humanly possible without warranting arrest for public indecency. The best way to do this is to hold naked conversations with the other creepy naked old fella who happens to be there, pausing mid-change to pass judgement on the flavour of Quorn mince, or to struggle to remember the name of that new pill the doctor has put them on, preferably as close to the lockers or pool entrance as possible so everyone has to pass them at some point… Ew.
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Offence: When did everyone get so precious?

Offence by Tom NashDespite what many of my blog posts may suggest, I try to make the journeys where I climb up onto my pedestal and proclaim something bullshit rare. When I do, I try to make it worthwhile. I consider this piece one of those. The ease at which people take offence to things these days is fucking ridiculous. Feel free to disagree- that’s what the comment section is for.

Now don’t go thinking I’m one of those “it’s Political Correctness gone mad” pee-narses, this is nothing to do with deluded excuses for racist/xenophobic/racist and xenophobic language/behaviour/language and behaviour, as those of you who make to the end will see.

Now, cleverer people than me have explained why ‘Political Correctness’ is a good thing and they’ve done it in a much more entertaining and eloquent way than I ever could, so I’m going to let one of them do it for me now. If you think ‘Political Correctness’ has ‘gone mad’, watch this clip of comedian Stewart Lee and join the rest of us in a bit, OK?

No, my beef is with the sense of privilege that people are increasingly displaying. The sense of privilege that seems to believe that we are all unique and delicate porcelain dolls that must be handled carefully in case something upsets us. And god-forbid anyone or anything that does.
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Music: When rappers sample songs you know (Part Two)

Hip Hop by Tom NashIf you didn’t catch Part One when it went up (there’s less pointing and laughing… About the same amount of Phil Collins though), or you fancy refreshing your memory, click here.

This post has caused me issues. It seemed so easy at first; think of some horrendous rap songs that sample a well-known track in the backing beat. What could be easier, right?

Wrong.

The first three choices blooooooow, of that there can be no doubt. And there was no chance I was putting a link to anything featuring Professor Green’s strange nasal accent on my website (when he says ‘ahhhhh’, he means ‘eye’, apparently- I know, mind= blown, right?) so his decimation of Where is My Mind by The Pixies is something you are going to have seek out and be outraged by on your time. But if I’m completely honest, it got tough quick, as the majority of songs I remembered as being terrrrrrrible, actually had a weird novelty value upon revisiting.

You try playing that X-to-tha-Zee track below and not cracking a smile when he starts dropping knowledge over that loop. Go on. It can’t be done, unless you’re dead inside.

Who knew Toto’s Africa would work as a rap track? And how awesome is DJ Premier for including the ‘biff, baff, POW’ Batman sound effects in that beat for Snoop Dogg? All the awesome, that’s what. You know what I mean.
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Music: When rappers sample songs you know (Part One)

Hip Hop by Tom NashThe sample. Nothing in music is more divisive. Some say categorically that anyone that uses samples is not producing art and cannot be considered a musician. These people tend to anger quickly, which is ironic considering the reputation of the genres they look to belittle and demonise. The rest of us, I don’t know, get worked up over more important issues, hopefully…

The most famous genre for sampling is, of course, Hip Hop. Without sampling, Hip Hop simply wouldn’t be a thing, making it as integral a part of the music and culture as ridiculous slang, big-ass bass and weird hand movements to accentuate rhymes… *Rap hands*

Think nothing good has ever come from sampling? I raise you a Paul’s Boutique by The Beastie Boys, a Three Feet High and Rising by De La Soul and an Entroducing by DJ Shadow… Never heard of any of these? Do yourself a favour and go catch up, as the ‘well-known’ samples below will probably be a mystery too. Run along, youngblood. Shoo; go learn.

Let’s face it, unless you know the source material, most of the time you wouldn’t even know you were listening to a chunk of some other song, unless someone pointed it out to you. Did you know the Arctic Monkeys have sampled Ennio Morricone (seriously- Google him)? What about Royksopp sampling Parliament/Funkadelic? Even bastions of whiny dad-rock U2 have sampled other artists (Harold Budd and Brian Eno, if you’re wondering).

When it comes to sampling, I guess ignorance really is bliss.
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New Year’s Eve: Overhyped, overpriced and something else alliterated

New Year's Eve by Tom NashSo it’s that time of year… The end of it, when we all take a break from getting ‘Christmas’ shitfaced (with a side of eating sausage rolls and Pringles from a pretty dish) to getting ‘New Year’ shitfaced (with a side of eating sausage rolls and Pringles from a pretty dish).

Some of us go out on the town, some of us stay home with friends or family. All of us will have a distinctly average night. Here’s why:

Paying to get into pubs
Of course, there’s nothing most of us love more than paying upwards of twenty pounds to spend an evening in a large room that stinks of stale beer, sweat and toilet and getting nothing but the standard night out in a pub (but busier) in return.

The real bonus is: you get to spend the evening with mugs who are willing to pay upwards of twenty pounds to spend an evening in a pub. That has angry bouncers making sure nobody enjoys themselves too much. And only sells shit lager and vinegary cider… Where do I buy my ticket?

Are publicans REALLY wondering why their industry is dying?
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