Common Lies: What people really mean

Lies by Tom Nash Last time we got a little controversial, we looked at taking offence and why certain sections of society need to chill the fuck out a bit.

This time, I’ve decided it’s time we looked at some of the things that people say to prevent aforementioned offence, feed delusions or, in the case of single males, persuade ladies to touch their boy bits.

Now, I should probably chuck in a quick disclaimer: if you’re one of those creepily possessive fellas that can’t handle the fact that your missus might have spoken to and kissed a few blokes (plus their dicks) before she met you, or you’re a princess that must always get their own way, has that weird overly touchy-feely relationship with their dad well into adulthood and needs constant reassurance that their fella doesn’t deem any other ladies bangable, there may be some things disclosed in the following paragraphs that might make you a bit angry and confused. Don’t take it out on the other half, eh?

Anyway, let’s crack on (in no particular order):

“You can be anything you want to be”
This statement is responsible for those oxygen thieving morons that, when asked what they want to do for a living, respond by saying: “Be famous”. But then, pretty much every parent in the world (that doesn’t resent their offspring) is guilty of reeling this badboy out to their kids. It definitely needs to come with a disclaimer- as long as you decide what you want to do (and display some talent in that field) before your mid-teens and your parents are minted and can buy your way in, or they know people in the industry you intend to work in who can get you past all those pesky interviews and selection processes the rest of us have to go through, or you are really good at football… And even then, you might not.

Perhaps the honest version would like something like:

“You can be anything you want to be, but so can millions and millions of other people, so you probably won’t.”

Or, the more optimistic, yet honest, version:

“There’s a chance you could be anything you want to be, but chances are you won’t, so listen in school, read books and focus on what you want to do with autistic-like dedication so if you can’t be what you want through talent and nepotism, you will at least have developed an impressive work ethic you can transfer to earning a living, alongside comprehensive knowledge of your subject/trade/industry so you can build authority on merit and gain recognition in the field you want to be in for that skill, dedication and effort.”

Don’t worry, that whole bit was even more depressing to write…

Hair extensions, push-up bras, false eyelashes

The female version of Weekend Millionaires*, maybe?

*Emaculately presented fella in expensive clothes who splashes the cash on expensive booze, etc in the swankiest of bars and clubs, tells the ladies he’s a footballer/race car driver/whatever occupation gets gold diggers excited at the moment but is actually something shit and he’s just spent a month’s wages in one night and will spend the rest of the month doing his weekly shop in Iceland with a fiver.

No-one said the lies all had to be verbal statements…

“Personality is more important than looks”
Said by shallow people who want to appear deep. Yes, eventually, personality is more important than looks but at first it’s all about looks. Be honest, you wouldn’t be with your other half now if you didn’t want to bump uglies or at least acknowledge that looking at their face didn’t make you physically ill when you first met. That you found them tolerable in the times you were clothed in each others company as well is a bonus, really.

Why is this so hard for people to admit? We are all motivated by primal urges after all… No matter how refined we’d like to present ourselves as being.

“Of course I don’t think she’s fit”
He does, it’s just that your trap is obvious and easy to avoid. Any bloke that falls into it deserves everything they get. If you’re asked if you find someone attractive by your missus, you say ‘no’, numbnuts! You’ll get in trouble either way, but this is basic- it’s in Dealing with Women 101, right before ‘never stick it in crazy’ and after ‘bag up if you only just met her’. Eejit…

For good example of this, I present to you one Lindsey Lohan (don’t agree with this example? Substitute Lohan for any other ‘skanky’ young lady in the public eye). If the majority of heterosexual males were asked to declare an attraction to this tragic figure in public (or with their missus in the room), they would probably scoff, act offended and refuse, as she is skanky and men like women with self-respect to think that men don’t like skanks. (Which is why skanky women went extinct a looooong time ago, right? *Raised eyebrows*)

However, leave these heterosexual males alone with a internet-enabled device and Ms Lohan’s name ringing in their ears and there will only be one outcome… Private browsing: on, safe search: off.

To the ladies that ask the question: Why ask in the first place?

If he’s honest, you’ll get precious. If he’s not you’ll call him out for lying anyway and get precious. Yay- no-one wins! What. Is. The. Point? Yes- you ARE more attractive than that actress that FHM voted one of the sexiest blah blah blah blah… Is your ego really that fragile?

Anyway, you shouldn’t worry, because we tend to talk a good game, but not a lot else:

“I would destroy that”
This is usually (but by no means exclusively) uttered by the more charming and refined gentleman one finds stinking of Fosters and ignorance in numerous venues throughout the Empire, in reference to an attractive young lady.

A horrendously crude and misogynistic statement, yes, but fear not, what they really mean is:

“If given the opportunity to get physically intimate with that female, I would get far too excited in the build up, causing me to embarrass myself as well as leaving her unfulfilled and frustrated, thus ruining any opportunity I would have to perform more satisfactorily in future and opening myself to ridicule, which could- due to my fragile ego and sense of self worth- lead to me lashing out violently.”

See, men are an arrogant, deluded bunch. We like to think we have the ability to pick and choose who we would and wouldn’t ‘do’ nasty things to, but the reality is; most blokes are fucking terrified of women. Why do you think we’ve been subjugating, abusing and being generally cuntish (see- even with language! Bad Tom…) to ladies for most of human history?

Don’t believe me? Go to any shitty nightclub before everyone is arseholed and look at all the scared little boys just standing and watching the dancefloor. We deserve pity, not hate… Apart from those men who think they can violently force themselves on women. Feel free to fucking hate them.

“You haven’t changed a bit”
Really means you have got fat and uglier since I last saw you, in most cases.

This one doesn’t even work anymore, thanks to Facebook, you can see what toll life has taken on former schoolfriends and work colleagues.

“Wow, you actually still look like your profile photo, which I noticed was uploaded five years ago.” would be a waaaaaaay more accurate statement.

My phone was on silent
It wasn’t, you’re annoying and they didn’t want to talk to you.

I’m allergic to…
Now, I know that some people genuinely can be killed by peanuts and that gluten can really do a number on a celiac’s insides- those folk are legit and no beef is directed their way.

I once worked with someone that claimed that they had an allergy to coffee which made them terribly ill, so we had strict instructions to never let a spoon that had gone near coffee come into contact with their tea. My bullshit detector went apeshit at this statement and insisted on an experiment, so for the next two years, every drink I made them was stirred thoroughly with the spoon that made my coffee. They never got ill. Not once.

Bullshit detectors are great, they pretty much pay for themselves after a day or two, particularly when you work in a large organisation…

Admittedly, pretending to be allergic to something is a good way to draw attention to yourself without actually achieving anything. Well done you, we’ve all noticed you now. Congratulat-mumble-mumble.

I’m fine
It’s a cliche but no list of lies is complete without this one.

When a bloke says it, he means it 90% of the time. The other 10%? He’s angry or sad (two of the three emotions men are capable of experiencing, remember?). When a lady person says it to you, a male, take some time to consider:

    Did you say something you shouldn’t have?
    Did you not say something you should have?
    Did you respond to something she said in the wrong way?
    Was she hinting at something and you didn’t pick up on it?
    Have you forgotten something important (to her)?
    Did she tell or show you something and you didn’t respond enthusiastically enough?

If you have even the slightest suspicion that you may have done one of the above, give up trying to get more than a monosyllabic response from her- you might as well enjoy the silence, go play some CoD or Fifa or whatever your game of choice is, or even fuck off out for a bit. No matter what you do now, you will be paying for the initial indiscretion later- you might as well pile up all her pissed off into one time- and energy efficient- argument.

Ladies, “I’m fine” does no-one any favours, it just delays resolution and gives anger and malice opportunity to poison rational thought and logic. Why let things fester? On behalf of all the emotionally stunted men in the world: (so… All of them?) Instead of saying “I’m fine”, swallow your pride, get that shit off your chest and out in the open. You’ll feel better for it. Unless you have a punchy boyfriend/husband, then it would be wise to keep schtum… and get away from him (he doesn’t hit you because he loves you, he hits you because he’s broken).

That’s probably enough for now. I don’t want to shatter *all* the illusions…

What’s your favourite nugget of bullshit? Did I miss a good one? Gis a shout below.