Common Lies: What people really mean

Lies by Tom Nash Last time we got a little controversial, we looked at taking offence and why certain sections of society need to chill the fuck out a bit.

This time, I’ve decided it’s time we looked at some of the things that people say to prevent aforementioned offence, feed delusions or, in the case of single males, persuade ladies to touch their boy bits.

Now, I should probably chuck in a quick disclaimer: if you’re one of those creepily possessive fellas that can’t handle the fact that your missus might have spoken to and kissed a few blokes (plus their dicks) before she met you, or you’re a princess that must always get their own way, has that weird overly touchy-feely relationship with their dad well into adulthood and needs constant reassurance that their fella doesn’t deem any other ladies bangable, there may be some things disclosed in the following paragraphs that might make you a bit angry and confused. Don’t take it out on the other half, eh?

Anyway, let’s crack on (in no particular order):
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Swimming pools: A haven for weirdos

At the swimming pool by Tom NashWhile I am by no means a chunky monkey, as my third decade of existence creeps ever closer, the fact that I do less than no exercise, love me some cake, burn my way through my fair share of Silk Cut and suffer with the occasional bad back has begun to play on my mind a little, so me and the missus decided to do something about it and earlier this year I started tearing up the local pool like a short, pasty, terribly unfit Michael Phelps.

As I am not especially fond of the general public and because I work for a living, we venture to the pool as late as we can. However, while we miss most of the folk who frequent the place we still have to deal with:

The naked old man
Who insists on keeping his withered tackle on display for as long as humanly possible without warranting arrest for public indecency. The best way to do this is to hold naked conversations with the other creepy naked old fella who happens to be there, pausing mid-change to pass judgement on the flavour of Quorn mince, or to struggle to remember the name of that new pill the doctor has put them on, preferably as close to the lockers or pool entrance as possible so everyone has to pass them at some point… Ew.
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