New Year’s Eve: Overhyped, overpriced and something else alliterated

New Year's Eve by Tom NashSo it’s that time of year… The end of it, when we all take a break from getting ‘Christmas’ shitfaced (with a side of eating sausage rolls and Pringles from a pretty dish) to getting ‘New Year’ shitfaced (with a side of eating sausage rolls and Pringles from a pretty dish).

Some of us go out on the town, some of us stay home with friends or family. All of us will have a distinctly average night. Here’s why:

Paying to get into pubs
Of course, there’s nothing most of us love more than paying upwards of twenty pounds to spend an evening in a large room that stinks of stale beer, sweat and toilet and getting nothing but the standard night out in a pub (but busier) in return.

The real bonus is: you get to spend the evening with mugs who are willing to pay upwards of twenty pounds to spend an evening in a pub. That has angry bouncers making sure nobody enjoys themselves too much. And only sells shit lager and vinegary cider… Where do I buy my ticket?

Are publicans REALLY wondering why their industry is dying?

Crap fireworks
Because nothing says ‘Goodbye previous year, thanks for everything’ and ‘Hi, new year. Come on in, the water’s lovely’ than a handful of rubbish rockets you bought from the newsagent… You dick.

The Great British public can’t do decent fireworks. A big reason for this is that supermarkets and newsagents don’t sell decent fireworks. The sooner we all realise that, the sooner we can all shut up and watch the professionals do it properly in London. Also, it just became January- it’s cold and the inside of houses is often warmer. I prefer to be warm.

Your friends
Unless you live a fairytale existence surrounded by flawless characters, chances are you know some fruit loops. Think you don’t? It’s you.

Perhaps you know someone who gets waaaaaaaaaay too excited about NYE (or any party, ‘gathering’ or social event in general) that will be in tears or violently angry before midnight because everything hasn’t gone EXACTLY as they envisioned it. Maybe an obligatory invite was sent to your mate who just went through a messy break up that seems to be developing a bit of a drinking problem and they turned up already arseholed and obnoxious.

The larger the number of associates celebrating, the greater the chance someone will piss off someone that can’t let it go/a couple will have an argument/someone will get ‘ruin it for everyone else’ drunk. Whoever does kick off, with luck you won’t be that close and you’ll be able to sit back and enjoy the show. If not, unlucky.

Personally, I plan on giving up, taking up, doing less or doing more of an activity, habit, food or anything else for a week or two before giving up and hoping that I didn’t tell anyone with a good memory what I was doing.

If you want to change or improve yourself, you do it. If you want praise for doing a standard something, you make a New Year’s resolution.

Jools Holland
Everyone’s favourite neckless pianist with his annual, recorded in November, Hootenanny. Here’s what’ll happen:

Some good bands will play. Some awful bands will play. Roland Rivron will be there, inexplicably continuing to exist in places with television cameras yet doing nothing of note. Al Murray will be really drunk and say ‘Hootenanny’ in a variety of comical voices. They’ll finish on a big number with everyone there involved.

We love our formulaic TV, us Brits.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope you have a blinder. Thanks to everyone who reads my whinges (especially those who come back time and again to read more), there’d be no point without you.

Here’s to a great 2013. Nice one.