Relationship advice: Terrifying things women are told by magazines

Relationships by Tom NashFrom what I’ve noticed, a mainstay of magazines that target a female audience is relationship advice. Whether it is a section devoted to answering readers’ questions about how to hold on to their man (because it’s SO tricky to keep a heterosexual man happy, right?) or tips to help readers work out if their fella is cheating, hiding something or doing something else that we invariably do.

Take Cosmopolitan for example. More than three million copies of this rag are sold each month. Does your missus read it? Is she flaky enough to take advice from a bitter hack? If so, here’s why you need to check out the man-hating, sheer fucking horror story of a relationship advice section it contains.

So according to Cosmo…

The most random things mean you’re hiding something
Do you ever suffer from a dry throat when speaking? Yeah, I bet… So that means that you actually talk your missus, then? OK, I get you… How about putting your hands in your pocket- ever do that? Oh, I see…

You cheating bastard. How could you? All she ever did was love you! Wanker.

No really.

If you’re normally not one for grand gestures but fancy doing something spontaneous and romantic for your lady- I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Unexpected acts of kindness and romance will also make crazy women suspicious.

If you care about your appearance or your personal space, you’re probably a cheat
You’ve decided that your missus snatching your phone and going through your messages when you’re out of the room is a little disrespectful and gives the impression that she has trust issues. So you stop her doing it. Congratulations, she is now convinced you’re doing someone else, even if you spend all your free time together and work in an industry that is predominantly male. Got any female friends? Guess who she’s going to accuse…

Oh, and deciding to put some effort into your appearance without consulting her first is reason enough to suspect you as well. I shit you not.

I’m not saying that some men aren’t massive dickheads who don’t deserve the women they are with but fuck me, it’s like the women that write this stuff want everyone else to be unfeasibly paranoid and end up bitter, lonely cat-ladies as well.

If you are ever busy or your mates don’t make an effort, you’re not in it for the long haul
Because if you prioritise having somewhere to sleep and having food to eat over spending every waking hour with your new girlfriend, your priorities are clearly all wrong. If you can tear yourself away, you must- at all times- inform your lady of where you are or who you are with, just in case she gets the wrong idea

Feminists rejoice.

You should always make sure your mates interrogate your new squeeze when they first meet her because if they don’t, for some reason that also means you don’t take the relationship seriously…

Fuck knows. But if your lady friend reads this shit; good luck.

It’s OK for her to lead on other blokes, as long as she doesn’t tell you
Because ignorance is bliss… But you can’t clear your throat without being accused having something to hide according to Cosmo, remember? Sounds fair. It’s fine though, because no bloke has ever taken a woman flirting with him to mean she’s interested, of course…

Three million copies sold each month. THREE MILLION. That’s nightmare fuel right there. Or am I missing the point and it’s all a big piss take? Do women read these articles and laugh at how ridiculous they are?

I really fucking hope so.

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