Did you really think I would just write a single post about this?
To be honest, I could stop writing about everything else and still come up with a new post every week, but anyone who knows me knows that I’m not bitter and twisted enough to do something like that… Shut up.
First draft of this read like a manifesto, albeit a disturbingly violent one. So all references to ‘pimp-slaps’ and eye-stabbings performed with shitty sticks have been removed, in keeping with the usual light-hearted banter you’ve come to expect from this blog.
Anyways, time to point the finger at more behaviour I and many other like-minded folk believe warrants calling whoever does it a twat:
Measuring time in ‘sleeps’
When did this bullshit start anyway? ‘Sleep’ is not a unit of time. It may be adorable when a small child that doesn’t know better refers to a passage of time in ‘sleeps’, but a twenty-something or older with a well-paying job and other adult responsibilities using ‘sleeps’ to count down to a holiday (or even worse Christmas) is just a little depressing really.
Some might argue that these people should be admired for retaining a child-like air of wonder and excitement well into their adult life… Would you say the same if these people cried and pulled temper-tantrums every time they couldn’t have chips for dinner?
That’s what I thought. Nothing cute or adorable about it. Just tragic.
Using words like ‘epic’ to describe average things
Although I am one of those time-wasters that has done an English degree, I’m pleased to report that I’m not too pretentious to acknowledge that the English language is constantly shifting and evolving. And that’s great. I for one would not like to live in a world where the word ‘queef’ doesn’t exist. You want to end every sentence with ‘innit’ or ‘still’? Knock yourself out… No really. Do.
However, I am pretentious enough to acknowledge that people who speak English can be morons. Want a soul-crushing example? Will people in the UK voting ‘quidditch’ their second favourite word in a survey in 2000 do? What about the popularity of The Da Vinci Code? Maybe that’s a better one…
I digress. It’s this sort of thing that gets me: describing something common and unspectacular- like a packet of crisps- as ‘awesome’.
You’ve eaten salt and vinegar crisps before, right? So we can all agree that it can be an complexly emotional experience? OK. So of all the feelings that stirred inside you at the time, would you- in all honesty- say that one of them was awe? At any point when you were shovelling handfuls of greasy-potato-goodness into your face did you feel a bit respectfully fearful of your snack?
Thought as much.
‘Epic’ is probably the most overused. Every-fucking-thing is epic now. Getting stuck in traffic for ten minutes on the way to work is now ‘the traffic was epically bad this morning’ when recounted later, a sandwich you enjoyed eating becomes ‘epically good’. The word is losing its value.
If you regularly refer to shit things as being ‘awesome’ or ‘epic’, how will you describe something that is genuinely awesome or epic when you accidently stumble across it? (Because it will be an accident, these people aren’t the type to cause awesomeness)
Ooh- while we’re on words…
The wrong use of ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’, ‘to’ and ‘too’
Seriously, what were these people doing at school? In eleven years they couldn’t even master simple homophones? (Yes, homophone- tehehe, laugh it up) Do you know when kids learn this stuff? When they’re seven. Nice one- you’ve been outsmarted by someone born in 2005.
Follow any rappers or professional footballers on Twitter? Your timeline is often a sea of bad grammar, spellnig mistkaes, CAPITAL LETTERS and excessive punctuation, right????????
Yeah, they’re the worst. But they can buss a mean rhyme/kick a ball well so society says they get a pass. You don’t, fucktard.
And People That Capitalise Every Word In A Sentence. Fuck Those People Too.
Responding to a positive or negative anecdote by saying ‘good times’ or ‘bad times’
Congratulations, you followed the plot of the story!
If you’re saying it ironically: Congratulations, now everyone knows you’re a prick!
Queuing for food or drink, in full view of the menu, then dithering when served
The worst culprits frequent coffee shops, particularly those at motorway services. After queuing for ten minutes- enough time to make your own fucking coffee let alone just decide- they get to the counter only to umm and aah for what seems like forever before asking if they sell ‘black coffee’ or the price of something that was ON THE FUCKING BOARD THE WHOLE TIME.
They’re lucky I’m not serving them- I’d make their drink then just throw it in their stupid faces.
This behaviour is particularly baffling at fast food restaurants, as anyone with tastebuds knows there is no point thinking about what to order- everything on offer tastes like regret eventually.
And don’t get me started on people who try to buy things, then seem surprised when asked for money, leading them to faff about for an age looking for some form of payment…
Oh- I’ve mentioned them before. I’ll shut up now then…