People: Things that will be banned when the revolution happens

Annoying People by Tom NashNobody is perfect. We all have little personality quirks and tics that make us who we are and that’s great. Diversity is the spice of life after all… Unless you’re horribly xenophobic and racist. If that’s the case, diversity is the source of fear and confusion, but that’s a different post entirely. However, there are a few traits that some people exhibit that are so obnoxious and irritating for anyone around them that the only logical solution is to punch them in their stupid faces… But of course you can’t do that, because you’d end up looking like the arsehole if you did. So instead we suffer in silence, waiting till they are not around so we can talk shit about them behind their back… Damn you, society!

Here’s a smattering of things people do that if you have any sense at all will piss you off too:

Overly elaborate air quotes
Sometimes, no matter how much of a dick you feel when you do it, to get your point across you may need to place ‘air quotes’ into something you are saying. Fair enough, just get it out of the way quickly.


My beef is with those people who feel they need to raise their arms like they’re about to start conducting an orchestra when they do it. Fuck those people.

If you see someone being too enthusiastic with their air quotes, do everyone a favour and break their fingers, eh? Your country will thank you in the long run.

Use of words like ‘guesstimate’
Like all use of business talk, this needs to die a death. Nothing identifies a self-important cunt quicker. Apart from people who emphasise the ‘nes’ in Wednesday. Cocks.

The worst thing though- spell check accepts guesstimate as a correct spelling. *shakes fist angrily, first at the computer screen, then at the world in general*

Shaking a leg while seated next to someone
Because everyone loves getting a sneak peak into what life would be like if they suffered from Parkinson’s disease, right? Exactly. STOP IT.

I don’t care that you self diagnosed ‘restless leg syndrome’ on WebMD, until a qualified doctor makes it official you are just a self-centred arse-hat.

Sighing too much
The calling card of the attention whore. They’re not happy, so until someone takes the time to find out why, everyone nearby is going to be forced to put up with this bell-end’s overly audible breathing.

Tuneless whistling
If I was a juror for a murder trial in which the defendant allegedly killed someone for whistling something tuneless and unidentifiable, I’d vote not guilty every time, no matter how damning the evidence. If you ask me, that’s self-defence following aural abuse.

Foot/finger/pen tapping
You may fancy yourself as the next Dave Grohl, Keith Moon or other famous drummer I can’t think of right now, but tapping on your desk with a chewed up Biro is not the way to go about it. If your intention was to make your colleagues hate you, however, then crack on. You’re doing a sterling job.

Incessant humming
Now, I’m not that much of a killjoy that someone merrily humming a tune makes me boil with rage. You go right ahead, I may even join in if I know the song. No, this is the person that makes weird humming noises (NOISES, not melodies) while they go about their job or are concentrating on something. Like the person with the annoying laugh at the cinema, once you notice them doing it, you can never un-hear it.

The most depressing part, though- you can’t even call them out on it as somehow they are blissfully unaware of the guttural rumbling that they constantly emit… And why is it always that one bloke in the office that smells bad and struggles to make eye-contact that does it?

Strange.

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