Cats: They’re all right, it’s the owners that are dicks

Cats by Tom NashI once heard that if you died in a room with your dog, it would sit by your corpse, like the Greyfriars Bobby (look it up) and starve to death. If the same happened with a cat, apparently the little bastard would be eating you as soon as it was dinner time.

Now people who prefer dogs might say the above shows how loyal dogs are, while those who like cats best would argue that it means that cats show initiative and a will to survive lacking in canines…

Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The whole scenario is hypothetical and therefore means nothing.

Now I have nothing against cats. They can be quite cute and are responsible for some brilliant Youtube videos (my favourites can be found by clicking these words, these ones and this last bit)  One even helped me find a bag of… herbs that I’d dropped on the way school one time. No, cats are fine. It’s those among us who keep them that are the problem… Those who call themselves ‘cat people’.

Ever noticed that people who are fond of dogs refer to themselves as ‘dog lovers’? Why is ‘cat lover’ not sufficient as well? And why is it always the most batshit people that consider themselves ‘cat people’?

I trawled my memories and a few websites and found some reasons why ‘cat people’ are good to avoid:

Pretentious statements
“I don’t ‘have’ cats. I share a home with them.” (the second ‘other answer’ on here. Scroll down a bit further for someone referring to their cat as ‘my little girl’)

Wow. I… Umm… Wow. That’s such a dickish statement, I think I’m just going to end this bit now.

Assuming everyone cares
I thought that this was limited to ‘crazy cat-lady’, that multiple divorcee at work who lives alone with more than one feline, has photos of them in her purse, gave them stupid names and speaks about them like they are the children no one was ever foolish enough to help her create…

Then I searched ‘my cat‘ on Youtube. Oh, how naive I am. The internet has a lot to answer for.

Odd reasoning
We all do this to a degree. People seem to think the stuff they hold an interest in is more valid than the interests of other people. The argument over which is better, dogs or cats, is pointless really but it doesn’t stop people feeding their superiority complexes by saying things like:

“Cats are cleaner than dogs.”
I tell you what- lick yourself all over then tell me how ‘clean’ you feel (someone puts something about their rough tongue in the comments… blah-blah-blah, whatever- nothing that licks their own arsehole is clean.)

“Cats are less demanding than dogs”
I get this one. Dogs need walking, cats don’t. What else? You feed them both, clean up after them both and give them both attention and affection when they need it/you can be bothered/you’re feeling lonely and have no human to interact with. The walking thing is the only real difference.

So by stating that you prefer cats, all you’re really doing is saying ‘I don’t like walking in the rain.’

Which is fair enough…

Those fucking Sheba adverts
Cat food isn’t sexy. It stinks and looks disgusting. Cats aren’t sexy either, unless you were abused by one as a child (isn’t that the excuse kiddie-fiddlers normally give? They did it because it happened to them when they were little? Fuck knows if that’s right, but I do understand that people pick up weird fetishes due to things that happen during childhood… I fear I’m digressing). So why are the Sheba cat food adverts all soft lighting, soft-spoken voiceovers and ‘Michael Bay style’ objectifying body-panning shots of the smelly fuckers? Why? It makes no sense… But obviously works, as they’ve been doing it for years… Shame on you, cat owners.

That’ll do for now, but speaking of cats- if you ever get the chance, watch the film Sleepwalkers. It’s based on a Stephen King book but neither Stanley Kubrick or Frank Darabont had nothing to do with it so… Yeah. But there are lots of kitties in it AND someone gets stabbed to death with a corn-on-the-cob…

I shit you not.

Till next time.