Adverts: What if the world was really like that?

Adverts by Tom NashSo since we’ve covered television, it only makes sense to have a look at advertising now, doesn’t it?

If an alien came to Earth tomorrow and stumbled across a working television set before encountering any people (just go with it), just think what kind of messed up impression of Britain and indeed, the whole planet TV shows and especially adverts (or commercials as our American friends know them) would give the unfortunate visitor. Think about it- watch a few ads and you’d be forgiven for thinking…

Only women get constipated
Even with all that Ryvita. Plus, they will happily discuss the fact with their buddies over a half-caff skinny soy-latte. Ladies; ever wondered why your fella isn’t too keen to go out with you and your mates? That’s what he imagines the evening will be like… That or when they’ve had a few, your friends turn into shrieking terror-hawks.

But if you do ever get bunged up, fear not, because…

Yoghurt will solve all your problems and is sexy
Let’s forget that it’s technically milk that’s gone bad- just give it a made up Latin-sounding name and claim that eating it will make life wonderful by helping you shit regularly… Because… Shitting is the key to happiness? I don’t know. Also, Tiffany from EastEnders will be your friend while keeping the men quiet by eating her yoghurt in a vaguely sexual way. Yay.

There’s no such thing as traffic
You remember that time you got into your brand-spanking new motor, sat looking smug while running your hand over the shiny dashboard, before firing that badboy up and zooming off through empty streets, rolling countryside or winding mountain roads? You remember? Do you?

You must be a car thief or work nights then.

Dads exist purely as comedy figures
All fathers do, of course, is have poor fashion sense and be humorously bad at video games, cooking, cleaning and pretty much any other task that a functioning adult human should, at least, be capable of performing to a basic standard, but especially ‘being cool’… Unless they’re ‘absent’, I guess… Dads, eh? *rolls eyes*

Putting rice in a microwave counts as cooking
Whoever is responsible for this advert deserves to die. It’s as simple as that.

Don’t get me started about the whole ‘talking to the microwave’ thing, what really grinds my gears is the prick that commends his chum for her ‘tasty rice’ when HE SAW THE PACKET COME OUT OF THE FUCKING MICROWAVE. That takes as much skill as undoing a wrapper. It is not something that deserves praise…

Unless she ended up in hospital last time she tried to use it…