Parties: What to expect as an adult

Grown Up Parties by Tom NashTime for more on parties. Adult parties to be precise and I don’t mean ‘car-keys in a bowl’ or anything like that… Pervert.

What I mean is the sort of party that you would actually invite your mum to, rather than make her promise to stay upstairs or just wait till she’s gone on holiday to have.

The kind of shindig where you’d meet:

The epically drunk woman
Even if you’re one of the first to arrive, when you do, she’s already inexplicably shit-faced and tottering around the venue being mildly irritating. As the evening progresses, her volume increases exponentially as her emotional state flicks from uncontrollable rage to inconsolable despair in the blink of an eye. If there’s a pond or any other body of water anywhere nearby, she WILL fall in it at some point before a. Vomiting everywhere b. Passing out or c. Vomiting everywhere and passing out.

Tends to be recently single or one half of an incredibly unhappy couple.

The salesman
This fucker’s always on the clock, ready to snaffle up some new business while taking advantage of the buffet and free booze. Clear warning signs include; business cards that don’t have to be retrieved from wallets, overuse of your forename, referral to themselves as ‘we’ and use of ridiculous business talk in conversion (basically, if anything is 110%, robust or actionable, make your excuses right then and there).

Did they tell you they work in insurance, even though you didn’t ask? Guess who’s leaving tonight with an estimate for Life cover?

The job-bore
It all starts with an innocent enough question, something like ‘How’s work?’

The correct answer to that question is, of course, ‘Fine, thanks’, no matter how boring/unfulfilling/dead-end the reality is.

Instead, what this person bestows upon you is a detailed breakdown of every grievance they have with their employer, their job role and the people they work with, while dropping in a shit-load of acronyms you’ve never heard before. Subtle hints that they are boring you, such as yawning, checking your watch or slitting your wrists go completely unnoticed- just walk away, it’s easier.

The life-coach
Minutes after meeting you, they feel they know you well enough to inform you of what they believe you should be doing to improve your career and social standing. It doesn’t matter if you’ve already got a good job, active social life and loving family, if the opinions you hold and the way you live your life doesn’t comply with what they deem to be right, you will spend your evening being lectured by this increasingly drunk and incoherent arse-hat.

Missed the post about teenage parties? Read it here.