Cinemas: Your mobile phone on silent is fine. Just shush.

Cinema by Tom NashThe film industry likes to complain that less people are going to the cinema due to people downloading pirated movies. The same tune the music business has been whining to for some time now too. The truth is, people do still like going to the movies but between the popcorn and watered-down coke that costs a weeks pay and the amount of remakes, prequels, sequels, rehashes and formulaic Rom-Com bullshit you can figure out the plot of before the opening titles finish Hollywood insists on churning out relentlessly, it can be quite an effort to pick out the stuff that’s worthy of your hard-earned cash.

If you’ve got a big-ass telly, you can just wait till the films you want to see are out on DVD (or Blu-Ray, if you keep up with technology), then kick back with your loved one or even your missus (heh) and watch them free from irritating things you can’t control… Other people. Such as:

The personal-space invader
You’ve finally relented and agreed to take your better half to see the last Harry Potter on that random day off you somehow ended up with. Because you’ve picked some obscure time of the day to go, when you find your screen, there’s no one else there. You have the luxury of choosing the optimum seat to maximise your viewing pleasure, which you take your time doing.

As the house lights dim and the endless stream of adverts start, this fucker arrives. With the whole seating area to choose from, for some reason they decide that the best place to sit is right in front of you. Why? It’s like sitting next to someone on a bus when there’s no one else on it.

The conversation holder
At its most innocent it’s a thick child that can’t even follow the plot of a Pixar film (and it’s your own fault for going to see a film for children during the school holidays), at its most obnoxious its some selfish dickhole(s) that thinks the cinema is a glorified coffee shop (and it’s your own fault for going to see something with quotes from The Sun or Nuts on the poster). I bet it’s the same type of person that plays music on public transport… *rolls eyes and makes ‘face of disapproval’*

The person with the annoying laugh
Generally found watching shit comedies (again, no one to blame but yourself). In a room full of people laughing, these weirdos single themselves out by sounding like a donkey passing a kidney stone or something equally strange and unlikely. Once you notice it, that’s you fucked: you won’t be able to concentrate on anything else… Good luck.

The seat kicker
Again, most likely it’s an excited child. You can’t begrudge that, I mean, let’s face it- if the chair was big enough, you’d be swinging away too, it’s both fun and relaxing. No, this is the restless-legged fucker behind you who WON’T FUCKING SIT STILL.

The individually-wrapped sweet-eater