Parties: What to expect as a teenager

Teenage Parties by Tom NashParties. When you’re tiny they mean presents, games and all the e-numbers you can eat. When you’re a ‘tween’ (that period after primary school but before body hair) they mean shit pop music, all the boys on one side and all the girls on the other and at the end of the night, an awkward slow dance with whoever hasn’t already been asked. Ah, bless.

Teenage parties, however, are a whole ‘nother animal completely. Aside from the obligatory stabbings, fag burns in the carpet, broken windows and underage drinking, here’s a few of the partygoers you may bump into:

The epically drunk girl
Even if you’re one of the first to arrive, when you do, she’s already inexplicably shit-faced and tottering around the venue being mildly irritating. As the evening progresses, her volume increases exponentially as her emotional state flicks from uncontrollable rage to inconsolable despair in the blink of an eye. If there’s a pond or any other body of water anywhere nearby, she WILL fall in it at some point before a. Vomiting everywhere b. Passing out or c. Vomiting everywhere and passing out.

The badboy DJ
If you’re lucky, you get one that can actually mix but chances are it’ll just be some fella the party-thrower knows who’s spoilt enough to have his own set of decks, mixer, amp and fuck-off great speakers. Prepare to be dazzled as he displays turntable aerobics like playing songs from beginning to end and just flicking on the next track or spinning back the record (do DJs use records anymore? Have I just dated myself?) and slamming the crossfader over, to create the illusion of a mix.

Sometimes they even bring a sidekick. You may know them as:

The emcee
Their sole purpose at events like this is to mask the DJ’s shitty mixing abilites. They do this by mumbling really basic rhymes (and I’m talking nursery rhyme basic, here) into crap, tinny microphones that they hold far too close to their faces. They will themselves be accompanied by a small cluster of their ‘crew’ who will stand nearby punctuating each line with cheers and weird hand gestures. No one else will give a fuck.

The bigger boys
You know the type; a good few years older than the rest of the party, they tend to be the losers that hang around outside school gates everyday, years after they have completed (*struggles to hold in a chuckle*) their education. Chances are there will be one that is more dickish than his mates, the ‘top-cunt’ if you will, whose swaggering entrance will generally signal the end of the night’s enjoyment, and indeed the party, for everyone else. You could argue that they are just trying to cling on to the only time in their lives when they mattered and were ‘somebody’…

Of course, as you age, things change. The meaning of the word ‘party’ morphs into something other than mayhem, loud music, broken furniture, booze and blood… All right, maybe booze still features heavily… but it becomes something much more dull and unexciting. Find out what I mean later this week.

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