Monthly Archives: July 2011

Literary Festivals: Is everyone here a writer?

Literary Festivals by Tom NashThe end of my MA is now drawing close, so for the last couple of weeks I have been holed away working on my project; a novel for a Young Adult audience.

I took a break from writing this weekend, as I had the privilege of hosting a session of readings at the Port Eliot Festival. I was also lucky enough to perform some of my own work as well. There should be some photos on my website in the near future.

Anyways, enough excuse making.

This was my first experience of a ‘literary’ festival. If you don’t know what one of those is, think of a music festival but with less music, more poetry and people like:

The rah-rah
All right, at a festival that celebrates various literary forms, you’re not going to find those geezers that sell  pills that are really just Plaster-of-Paris painted with nail varnish remover (bought pills at a festival before? Yeah, that’s what it probably was). What you will find though is a fuck-ton of extremely posh people.

These are the people that offer to pay poorer looking festival-goers to put up their tent. If they rented one, they can often be found complaining to the organisers after they suffer the trauma of discovering a spider on the groundsheet. If you spot someone in a ‘wacky’ costume, chances are they are one of this lot. If they also appear to be drunk and refer to their state of being as ‘sloshed’, they definitely are.

No doubt they brought a few of these with them too…

The little shit
Never have I been in the same place as so many Rafes, Henrys, Virginias and Charlottes. And what a horrible bunch of tiny humans they are. They run around as if feral, which I guess is understandable- the au pair isn’t around and mummy doesn’t give a shit; she’s too busy getting shit-faced on Pimms in the Flower Show to administer discipline… At night, rather than being put to bed, the parents tie glowsticks to them so at least you can see what just charged into your leg.

The money-waster
Tickets to these things ain’t cheap. With travel costs, you’re two-hundred notes worse off before you even arrive. So it makes sense to just sit in your tent and read a book for the majority of the weekend, right? That’s what I thought…

The snorer
I counted eight people in the tents near mine on my last night. It was like trying to sleep during a Wookie impression contest. Best thing to do is get as munted as possible so you can join in.

The open-mic whore
They float from venue to venue looking for opportunities to read bits of the novel they are working on. When they find one, the audience is subjected to dull stories that often feature horses. The reading will be over-zealous and the accents cringe inducing, plus it will seem to last longer than a Lord of the Rings extended editions film marathon.

I was good though…

TWTN first anniversary

Yes friends, despite what the archive bit further down the page says, July 2011 marks the first anniversary of this blog.

It was a vastly different creature back in the early days; I was yet to find my calling as ‘that person that moans about EVERYTHING’ (by the way, yes there is a lovely view from up on my pedestal and yes you do all look very small) and this was reflected in the early posts. I did one about the World Cup being shit and posted a short story based on an old Welsh folk tale. You wont find either of them on the site now; they were pants.

To mark this momentous occasion, in this post I am taking a look back at the ten blog entries that have received the highest number of views (at the time of writing):

1. Facebook: Status updaters we all know
The second post in the current format and the template for everything that followed. Not quite as sweary and vitriolic as later entries, if anything it’s rather reserved. The weirdest search term that someone has put in Google and found this article? ‘What Facebook status can I put when I got baby boy?’ I hope they found their answer…

2. Nightclubs: The regulars (Part One)
The number of hits this post has got surprises me. Maybe it shouldn’t, every nightclub in the UK has the same clientele and thus, this topic is probably the most relatable I’ve covered…

3. Shopping: High street, mall, wherever
Apart from this one, I guess. I only posted this a fortnight ago and already it’s right up there. Does it mean my audience has grown? Or did I pimp this one out on Twitter and other sites more than others? Only time will tell.

4. Education: Bachelor’s Degree Mainstays (Part One)
Looking back at this, the entires are a bit short, but they are fucking SPOT ON. Writing this was cathartic.

5. Nightclubs: The regulars (Part Two)
Possibly my personal favourite, as this post got me my first negative comment. In this era of simply hitting a button to indicate your pleasure or displeasure at something, to get a passionate outburst from an anonymous stranger is something of an honour. It makes it all worth it.

6. Reality TV and talent shows: My understanding of the genres
Expected more arsey comments after putting this up. Haven’t got any (yet). Maybe I had a point… Hmm? Hmm??

7. Air Travel: Who will you be flying with?
Another recent post that did well. Preach, Tom, preach!

8. Drivers: Who to watch out for (Part One)
A post that some of my friends thought was written about them. If you think I am writing about you, it’s probably best you keep quiet, really…

9. Open-mic nights: Your list of performers
June was a good month for hits. This is the third post from then to crack the top ten. It is also the first article to feature the word ‘cunt’ twice. Trivia, bitches.

10. Education: Bachelor’s degree mainstays (Part Two)
Even more cathartic to write than the first part. *gazes into middle-distance with a sleepy grin*

Thanks to everyone who checks out this site and enjoys it… and thanks to those who don’t too, a hit is a hit, after all.

I wonder what’ll be in the top ten next year…