Concerts: Who’s in the crowd

Concerts by Tom NashUnless you’re one of those weirdos that has no interest in music (freaks), most of us have been to see at least one live musical performance. Whether it was at a massive venue like the O2 or a small club like The Luminaire in Kilburn (RIP), chances are someone below attended:

The die-hard
It’s not hard to spot this lot. At the very least they’ll be decked out in a band tee-shirt. If you’re at a festival they’ll probably have a banner or a fucking flag. If it’s a small gig, they strong-arm their way to the front so the band/artist can see that they know every word to every song. If you’re really unlucky, one will end up behind you and you’ll have no choice but to listen to them ruin your favourite group/band/artist’s entire catalogue with their tone-deaf warbling.

Which in all honesty is preferable to:

The wannabe groupie
They fight the die-hards for the optimum front spot (which is how mosh pits start) and if successful they spend the entire show trying to have eye-sex with the singer or any random band member that glances vaguely in their direction. They also scream. A lot. In fact, if there’s a posse of them, this will occur every time the audience is addressed.

You can break them up by deploying:

The mosher
Sweaty, sexually frustrated boys with bad hair… I gather. I wouldn’t know, you couldn’t get me to a Metal gig if you paid me.

The tall bloke
You notice him as you arrive and think ‘I hope he doesn’t end up in front of me’. Next you find your seats or a decent spot with a good view of the stage. Then the fucker comes and stands directly in front of you. Of course, the big fellas tend to not have been hugged enough as kids so if you ask him to move he’ll throw his toys out of the pram. It’s best to just relocate.

The people that look like your mates
You’ve drunk/sniffed/smoked a bit too much during the course of the evening and make a quick dash to the loo. You then head back to where you think your mates are. Maybe you even spot the back of their heads. You tap one of them on the shoulder to recount the amazing tale of your bathroom trip and that’s when you realise you were standing a little further to the left and a bit closer to the front…

The aspiring artist
Again, I don’t know how this works at other shows, but you always get at least one at a Rap concert. You might be having a smoke outside or simply waiting for the show to start, but chances are someone will approach you and offer to ‘buss some rhymes’ for you. No matter how non-commital your answer, they will. Following their performance they will explain that they plan to give their demo to the artist(s) performing…

Yeah, good luck with that.