Tea: How to make it

Tea by Tom NashAh, the humble cup of tea. It seems like such a simple thing. A cup, a teabag, boiling water (and sugar if you’re… that way inclined). So simple in fact, it would appear to be difficult to fuck up.

A lot of people do though. Why is this?

I believe the answer is technique, my friends.

To make a decent cuppa, there two main things you need to be aware of. They are, in order of importance:

  • The temperature of the water
  • The order to add ingredients

Let’s break them down:

The temperature of the water

Tea should only ever be made with boiling water, whether you’re making a pot or just a cup. And by boiling I mean when the kettle has just clicked off (or started whistling like crazy, if you live in the 1950s). Any later than that and you must re-boil or an inferior product shall be produced.

The order to add ingredients

If you need to be told that the teabag goes in first, then you are officially failing at life and should probably not read on- your head will explode.
[Controversy warning]
Next to go in should always be water. Not milk. Not sugar. Water. If you were making a pot, would you put milk or sugar in there? Exactly- that’s ridiculous.

If you pour milk onto a teabag, you clog it up. When you then add the water, the tea doesn’t move around, resulting in a piss-weak brew that tastes like milky water, unless you pummel the fuck out of the teabag with a spoon for a couple of minutes- which you shouldn’t have to do.

If you put sugar in (philistines) then milk or water, then the tealeaves absorb the sugar and it’ll taste like you didn’t put any sugar in and you’ll have to add more anyway. Which is wasteful.

For a proper cuppa, you should pour the (boiling) water onto the teabag then… Wait. Do nothing. Leave it for a minute. If you’re really in a rush stir it a couple of times to get the bag moving, but no more. Make sure you remove the teabag before adding milk (not too much- milky tea is gross) and then put in your sugar, if that’s your thing.

Making it from a pot? Just chuck some milk in the mug/cup, then pour the tea. Bosh- job done.

If you don’t agree or have a different method, that’s great, but know you are wrong. Please don’t comment…


3 thoughts on “Tea: How to make it

  1. rob dunbar

    perfect cuppa is milk first then the tea bag then hot water, dont shoot me, thats the way my grandad told me, he cained me big time when i gave him a cuppa once, he said it tasted like nat’s piss, i will never make that mistake again ha ha

  2. Anonymous

    Actually I think you will find that all taste is subjective. You might think, in your own hideously centrocentric world (and yes centrocentric IS a word you ignorant nob), that YOUR version of tea is the best cup of tea but it is categorically NOT.
    And anyway won’t all tea taste a little like shit when you’re drinking it with your head that far up your arse?

    Lots of Love
    Niel Buchanan

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