Monthly Archives: February 2011

Tea: How to make it

Tea by Tom NashAh, the humble cup of tea. It seems like such a simple thing. A cup, a teabag, boiling water (and sugar if you’re… that way inclined). So simple in fact, it would appear to be difficult to fuck up.

A lot of people do though. Why is this?

I believe the answer is technique, my friends.

To make a decent cuppa, there two main things you need to be aware of. They are, in order of importance:

  • The temperature of the water
  • The order to add ingredients

Let’s break them down:

The temperature of the water

Tea should only ever be made with boiling water, whether you’re making a pot or just a cup. And by boiling I mean when the kettle has just clicked off (or started whistling like crazy, if you live in the 1950s). Any later than that and you must re-boil or an inferior product shall be produced.

The order to add ingredients

If you need to be told that the teabag goes in first, then you are officially failing at life and should probably not read on- your head will explode.
[Controversy warning]
Next to go in should always be water. Not milk. Not sugar. Water. If you were making a pot, would you put milk or sugar in there? Exactly- that’s ridiculous.

If you pour milk onto a teabag, you clog it up. When you then add the water, the tea doesn’t move around, resulting in a piss-weak brew that tastes like milky water, unless you pummel the fuck out of the teabag with a spoon for a couple of minutes- which you shouldn’t have to do.

If you put sugar in (philistines) then milk or water, then the tealeaves absorb the sugar and it’ll taste like you didn’t put any sugar in and you’ll have to add more anyway. Which is wasteful.

For a proper cuppa, you should pour the (boiling) water onto the teabag then… Wait. Do nothing. Leave it for a minute. If you’re really in a rush stir it a couple of times to get the bag moving, but no more. Make sure you remove the teabag before adding milk (not too much- milky tea is gross) and then put in your sugar, if that’s your thing.

Making it from a pot? Just chuck some milk in the mug/cup, then pour the tea. Bosh- job done.

If you don’t agree or have a different method, that’s great, but know you are wrong. Please don’t comment…

Teenagers: Lost rites of passage (Part Two)

Lost Rites of Teenagers by Tom Nash(For Part One, click here)

It’s not just teenage communication habits that have changed in the last ten years. Here’s a selection of the other things I thought of that the young people don’t do no more (oh, yes- bask in my double-negative-ness):

Go to record shops
I may be showing my age here but when I was a lowly Office Junior raking in £75 a week, the first thing I’d do on payday would be to hit Beano’s (the greatest music shop that ever existed) and pick up half a dozen CDs. I was seventeen so most of them were shite, but I digress…

What’s the equivalent these days? As @Syph79 tweeted to me after the last ‘teenager’ post, ‘You can’t hang around in itunes!’ Of course, no-one other than me seems to buy music anymore and Beano’s has since shut. As have most record shops (we touched on this in the nightclub posts). If you did some research, you could probably find a correlation between the closure of record shops and the increase of scary hood-wearing children hanging around menacingly…

Find porn in the woods
Now arguably, this one isn’t restricted to teenagers. When was the last time you or anyone you know stumbled across (heh) a carrier bag full of grumble-mags? What was once a staple of a young man’s developmental years (or a young woman’s- we don’t discriminate) has all but vanished, replaced by Google image searches for ‘boobs’ (safe-search off),  Pornhub (Don’t act like you don’t know what that is. Just don’t.), and if they can stay up (heh) late enough, Babestation (again, your claim of ignorance is fooling no one).

Thanks to the internet, all children in the world (except China, maybe) will only ever be a few clicks away from ‘Two Girls, One Cup’ being one of their first sexual experiences. Just think about that for a moment. The copy of ‘Razzle’ your mum found under your bed all those years ago doesn’t look so bad now, eh?

Blag free phone-cards
OK, one more communication-habit-change. Back when mobile phones were too expensive to buy for children and pedophiles didn’t lurk on every street corner, if you were out and you wanted to get in touch with someone, rather than walk to their house, you could ring them from a phone box (do they even exist anymore?).

If you possessed a little forethought, you could ring the operator and claim that the phone had eaten the pound coin you ‘put in’ and not allowed you to make a call. Then by simply giving them your name and address, they would send you a phone-card of the same value. Once done a few times, you had yourself a stash and could ring ANYONE; the world was your lobster.

But that was when a call cost 10p… Probably wouldn’t be worth doing now…

I’ll think of more.

Facebook: Even more familiar behaviour

Facebook by Tom NashI love my Facebook news feed. A simple scroll down the page a couple of times a day can provide endless material for blog posts and stories. It is amazing what personal information people are willing to provide borderline strangers.

Today’s feed was particularly inspiring, so here are a few more habits at least one person on your friend list has:

The threat-maker
‘I’m closing my account today/on [day/date], if you want to stay in touch then message me your phone number or email address.’

This person takes attention-seeking to the extreme. Obviously, they never close their account. What probably happens is that instead of the deluge of messages they expect to hit their inbox (heh), nobody sends them anything (makes sense- everyone who gives a fuck probably has their number already) and they just hope that no-one notices that they are full of shit. We have.

The loser
[Whoever] is playing [generic flash game]. Click here to join the fun.
[Whoever] is unemployed or has a REALLY depressing life.

The far too open (or The TMI to ‘da kidz’)
This is almost always someone you went to school with. Arguably, they are a melodramatic Ronseal updater. You haven’t actually spoken to this person in 5-10 years (commenting on statuses doesn’t count) but you know:

  • where they live
  • where they work
  • when & where they go on holiday
  • where they go on nights out
  • what they buy at the supermarket
  • what they eat most days
  • who they still see from ‘back in the day’
  • how bad their taste in music (still) is
  • if they have trouble sleeping
  • what days they have access to their kid(s)
  • how much of a dick their baby daddy/mamma is

It is hard to judge whether they are deluded enough to believe that anyone really cares or the updates are simply an indiction of just how lonely they are… Either way, it’s painful to read. Thank fuck for that ‘hide’ function, eh? Eh??

The subliminal
‘Someone’ might be a little pissed off with ‘some people’ who might possibly ‘need to sort themselves out’. However, rather than tell ‘them’ directly, ‘this person’ will tell you and everyone else on their friend list… It can be quite fun working out who they’re on about though (hint: it tends to be the mother or father of their child).

The oblivious
This is the person that writes obviously double-entrendre packed status updates or comments but fails to realise it. Quite often it’ll be something as simple as ‘fucking traffic’ that they write or they’ll label a photo album ‘My pussy’ and stock it with pictures of a cat. However they do it, the potential for misunderstandings/comedy is endless.

More posts in this category:

Facebook: Status updaters we all know
Facebook: More familiar behaviour
Facebook: Obligation friends
Facebook: Schoolmates on your friend list