(For Part One click here)
Who else do you find in every club, Tom?
I’ll tell ya:
Sorry, apparently I mean doorman. If they weren’t paid to be there, these fellas would probably fall into The muscle-man category. Or they’d be The hard man. It’s a pretty cushy number really; the uniform’s simple (shirt, leather jacket, shaved head, chewing-gum, scowl), you get to be rude and disrespectful to your customers and if you’re really lucky, you get to assault a few of them too! Fancy dabbling in a bit of sexual-predatoriness while you’re at work? Well, you’re in luck again! There’s literally dozens of teenage girls for you to take advantage of and best of all, they’re drunk, view you as an authority figure and (for some reason) are desperate to get inside…
These are usually (but not exclusively) the unattractive friends of the person you’ve finally managed to strike up a conversation or dance with. The most popular tactics include:
- needless aggression- this can range from physically getting between you and your potential mate and forcing you away, to constant referrals to their friend’s ex and how fantastic or big and muscly he/she is.
- feigning illness- usually declared once you’ve managed to get their number or a cheeky kiss. This ensures that everyone will be going home just as alone as them.
This usually continues until their friend succumbs and leaves either you or the club.
Unless someone pays attention to them, of course… Which is when you should deploy:
The wingman (or ‘They who take one for the team‘)
A good wingman (or woman indeed) will draw the cock-blocker’s attention away from you by waving something shiny in their face or more typically, feigning sexual interest. If circumstances dictate that they have to ‘seal the deal’ as it were, you must return the favour in future, wingmen can very easily turn into cock-blockers themselves…
So just remember, people: no-one can make sure you stay celibate quite like your best friends…
The old person
If it’s a woman- she’s probably with a hen party and it’s likely there’s a few more floating around somewhere. If it’s a bloke, then let’s face it… It’s creepy as fuck. They may have come with their kid for an ironic visit, but this is rarely the case. Normally leather jacket clad and unfeasibly sweaty, you either find them at the bar trying to chat up anything that stands next to them, or standing near the edge of the dance floor looking a bit rapey. Young ladies- avoid. Young men- avoid becoming them. There’s nothing cool about going clubbing in your 50s.
The personal-space invader
Whether you’re queuing at the bar or throwing some shapes on the dance floor, this is the person that always finds a way to rub an inappropriate body part on you. Any other time or place and this person would be on a register in seconds. Male personal space invaders are also found in the toilets. They’re the weirdo that tries to start a conversation with the person next to them at the urinal.
And speaking of toilets:
The bog troll
You hear them before you see them.
‘Freshen up for the punani!’
Bog trolls lurk near the sinks, fiercely guarding their stash of lollipops and cheap fragrances while handing out the most expensive paper towels in the universe. I’m not one to knock the way people make their living (…!) but £1 for a Chub-a-chup? You can fuck right off.