What’s that? More student-y stereotypes? You bet your red Chuck Taylors* it is!

The victim
There’s at least one in every house/flat/dormitory in every university town or campus in the world. This is the housemate that never washes up but criticises the way everyone else does it, eats other people’s food, wakes everyone else up in the middle of the night burning toast and bitches when asked for their share of bills. It is impossible to call them out on any of this behaviour too, as their default position in any argument is ‘defensive’.

They also have an unnatural talent at making everyone else out to be the arsehole. No matter how you broach the subject, you will end up looking like the bad one if you try to say anything. Best just leave them to it, they’ll learn some responsibility eventually. Or become politicians.

The expert
Fuck knows why they’re on the degree, they apparently know everything worth knowing about everything already… There are two types:

• The first is the person that looks bored and distracted in every class. They are known to stretch and yawn inappropriately loudly and gaze around the room as if hoping to find something actually worthy of their attention, a mirror, possibly.
• The other is the person that nods and murmurs their agreement with the lecturer throughout seminars and lectures. But don’t worry, they’ll also make everyone aware of the times they don’t agree too. Painfully aware.

The funny thing is, these are the people that are most likely to fail assignments and request hand-in extensions… It’s almost as if they’re full of shit… Huh.

The possible murderer
There may not be one on every course but there is definitely at least one per campus. You know, that fella with the thousand-yard stare. Maybe they rock just the one eyebrow too. Their awkward contributions in class don’t help either. Just make sure you are never left alone with them and you’ll be fine.

Be aware though, they often disguise themselves as:

The comedian
In their eyes they are the funniest person on the planet who brightens up the seminar room each week with dazzling wit and pithy retorts. In reality, they’re that prick that laughs at their own shit (and generally inappropriate) jokes (a pretty creepy character trait in itself), even if no one else laughs. Which is always. Never mock the poor fucker that ends up sitting next to them, that person has effectively ‘jumped on the grenade’, shielding the rest of you from the majority of ‘jokes’ that this deluded individual deems worthy of sharing.

A word of advice to any classroom comedians reading: if you crack a few jokes but receive nothing but averted eyes and awkward silence in response, please shut the fuck up. Everyone else in the room will be eternally grateful and in time, even come to tolerate you.

Oh, and revealing extreme right-wing views in a roomful of liberal-minded academic-types is never advised. Even in ‘gag’ form.

*Converse All-Stars… although you really should know that… Shame on you.