Drivers: Who to watch out for (Part Three)

Drivers by Tom Nash(For Part One, click here. For Part Two, click here)
More driver traits worth moaning about:

The anally-retentive
Usually male (but not exclusively), these are the sad cases that feel their vehicle is an extension of their personality. This is the type of person that would wash their car in the middle of winter, even after a particularly heavy snow fall. They are generally pretty well groomed themselves, so arguably their car does reflect their character; nice to look at but essentially the same as the thousands of others you can find pretty much anywhere… Yep.

The bus driver
If you were in control of a vehicle that weighed multiple tonnes and you were relied on by many to get them places safely, you’d probably take care over your driving, wouldn’t you? Yeah, well- you’d never make it as a bus driver. If they thought they could get away with hand brake turns, they’d make them on every corner. Never run for a bus- the drivers appear to be able to sense when a sprinting person is approaching the closed doors and are therefore able to choose the optimum moment to pull away. Which they will. Every fucking time.

The Highway Code denier
Whether it is their refusal to drive above 60 mph on a dual carriageway, their confusion over the right of way at a roundabout or their general refusal to take note of road signs, markings and pedestrian crossings, it is evident that this person has either never seen a copy of The Highway Code or believes that the rules are open to individual interpretation. In many ways they are similar to The kamikaze, although unlike them, this driver is oblivious to their lack of knowledge. It is an utterly petrifying experience to be a passenger in this person’s car, particularly if you have a driving license yourself- you will find yourself applying an imaginary brake in the footwell every time you think they should be. Which is constantly. Foot-ache is a given by the end of the journey.

The kid on a moped
These are pack animals, rarely found on their own. You can always hear them before you see them, thanks to their customised racing exhausts and bore kits- the sound resembles an approaching swarm of angry bees. You can tell a serious rider- they’re the ones that lean close to the handlebars to maximise their aerodynamics… On a 50cc moped. While decked out in full motorcycling regalia… On a 50cc moped. The best analogy is to think of them as a low level Pokemon- upon receiving their full driving license, they will evolve into either The arsehole(eon), The anally-retentive(eon), The boy-racer(eon) or a terrifying mix of all three(eon).

I realise not all of you will get that last bit, but fuck it- totally worth it.