Monthly Archives: December 2010

Nightclubs: The regulars (Part One)

These days, the high streets of most large towns and cities in Great Britain look pretty much identical, and as there are Yates’, Tiger Tigers and Walkabouts everywhere, it makes sense that every weekend you’d find the same generic clientele in each soulless venue, regardless of its geography.

Some of the usual suspects at these weekly meat-markets include:

The starer
Every teenage male in the club falls into this category, in fact, most of the single blokes in there do, no matter what their age is. Having checked out all the females present, they will settle on one that they deem stare-worthy and proceed to eye-fuck the living shit out of her until they have drunk enough to attempt conversation. Then they will continue to gaze creepily from across the room till the bar closes. Then they will go home. Alone. Again.

The muscle-man
These are the fellas who have sacrificed their personality in their quest for really big biceps and a thick neck. They are usually found strutting around the club in a vest or far-too-small shirt/jumper looking down on all the normally proportioned people or doing that pathetic ‘fold your arms and push your biceps up with your hands to make them look bigger’ thing. Fancy a challenge? Try getting them to talk about something other than working out or themselves.
The ‘hard’ man
He actually tends to be a rather lonely, jealous individual who spends most of his evenings out looking for love. Of course, as a genuine ‘hard-nut’, he will usually try to find someone half his size to pick on in order to showcase his masculinity to potential mates. Or maybe he’ll hit the boyfriend of the girl he fancies. After all, nothing says ‘stable relationship offered here’ like sudden outbursts of alcohol-fuelled violence.
The prick-tease
These are the ladies who dress like sluts (there are ruder ways I could’ve put it) but take great offence to the advances of any male that takes an interest. This makes it very difficult for sex-starved men to locate the real sluts, which causes them much frustration. This leads to an aggressively charged atmosphere and increases the likelihood of meat-heads battering the shit out of each other at chuck-out time. It’s as if those hot pants cause a really depressing butterfly effect…
Lads, it’s safer to just find yourself:
The ‘ten-to-Two’ girl/guy (credit to my boy Dave for this one)
The bar is closed, the music’s stopped and the house lights are on. You have failed to pull all night and now you are desperate. Your dry spell will end tonight. Basically, this is whoever you can convince to come home with you before the place has emptied. I’m not sure which role is more tragic- the person doing the picking up or the person who agrees… But don’t worry about that now, you can deal with the regret and shame (and you will have to, both of you) when you wake up in the morning.
The self-conscious dancer
This is anyone on the dance floor who is not utterly wasted or chewing their own face off. You can tell the self-conscious males by their tense shoulders and lack of lower body movement (unless it’s pressed up against something…) and the females by their occasional glances around to check who’s looking and that weird squatting down then standing up again dance that some of them do and are convinced is sexy (I’m sure it is when executed properly… but it rarely is). If you ever have the misfortunate of being in a club sober- have a look, it’s quite entertaining, in a sad way.

Drivers: Who to watch out for (Part Two)

Drivers by Tom NashMore reasons to buy a bus pass:

The newly passed
You can split new drivers into two categories: The timid and The reckless.
The timid simply need some support and as more experienced road users, we are the ones to offer it. If they are taking rather a long time to perform a turn or parallel park at the side of the road, for example, offer some gentle encouragement with a few short-sharp horn blasts. If they are driving a little too slowly for your liking, simply inform them by tailgating them for a mile or two then performing a dangerous overtaking manoeuvre, preferably on a blind corner. Remember to always ‘cut them up’ after passing.
The reckless drives a £50 car and knows it. Within weeks they evolve into The Kamikaze. If you’re lucky, they will have ‘P’ plates on their car, the ‘P’ standing for ‘Probably best you keep your distance.’
The go-slows
Apparently this person doesn’t realise their car has more than two gears. Or maybe they think they’re driving a tractor. Either way, if you’re in a rush to get somewhere, nine times out of ten this is who will be in front of you. They also tend be:
The brake-happy
The slightest bend in the road? BRAKE! Speed hump? BRAKE! Car coming in the opposite direction? BRAKE! Driving down a tiny incline? FOR GOD’S SAKE, BRAKE!!!!!
The twat and his horn
You always get one in a traffic jam, usually in an expensive German car (funny that…). They seem to think their horn contains magical powers and repeated use will somehow clear whatever it is that is causing the hold up. All it really does is inform everyone else that there is a self-important fuck-tard in the shiny motor…
The cyclist
I know- not technically a driver, but a fucking menace on the roads nonetheless. Again, they can be sub-categorised: The hardcore and The novice
The hardcore: In their mind they’re Lance Armstrong. In reality they’re Barry from Accounting. Clad in spandex (always a good look), these are the self-righteous arseholes who bang on your car if they feel an injustice has been inflicted upon them… which is always, of course.
The novice: Seemingly not familiar with the rules of the road, this cyclist seems intent on dying today. Whether it is by weaving in and out of parked cars like a game of peek-a-boo-Russian-Roulette or just wobbling into passing traffic, they will be leaving their mark on the world today and that mark will be on your bonnet and possibly your windscreen too.
For Part Three click here