Smokers: Different types

New Smoker by Tom NashNon-smokers may be unaware of this fact (it is hard to see what us lowly addicts are doing from up on those pedestals) but there are actually different types of smokers, just like there are different brands that we prefer to shorten our lives with.

Here are a few:

The newbie
Easy to spot as they hold their cigarettes like a robot and look like they’re performing oral sex when they take a pull.

The ponce
You get two different levels of ponce:

The Stage 1: They’ve got their own fags, but have no lighter. Not even a match. It’s a schoolboy error really. If you know that you have an addiction to nicotine, it makes sense to remember that you need a means to ignite your weapon of choice, doesn’t it?

The Stage 2: No cigarettes or lighter… So for all intents and purposes a thief really. I have a theory that if you can’t afford to buy cigarettes and maintain your habit, you shouldn’t smoke. Simple. The bad news for these fellas is that, in the current economic climate, people are even less inclined to give cigarettes to random strangers.

The ‘social’ smoker
Again you get two types of this kind of smoker: the prepared and the unprepared.

The prepared knows that after a few jars, they fancy a ciggy or two. So they come with a pack. Which means all their smoky friends don’t hate them.

The unprepared are pretty much on the same level as the Stage 2 ponce.

The sad case
This numpty actually took up smoking when the ban came into place. They were constantly being left in the pub minding the drinks for their friends and felt they were missing out on flirting with husky-voiced, wheezy smoker types. So… *Sigh*