Facebook: More familiar behaviour

Facebook by Tom Nash

The fun doesn’t stop with status updates! Here are a few more traits you may find recognisable:

The ‘fun’ nickname instead of real name
If you are in your twenties or older and still either refer to yourself on Facebook by the ‘cute’ nickname you conjured up for yourself or by your forename and middle name, excluding all existence of your surname- GROW UP!
The comment box lurker
You’ve just posted something. Within a minute someone’s commented. This is the person who thinks that the updates on their newsfeed are directed to them personally and therefore must be responded to personally. Every one of them. Do not engage them, it’ll only encourage the behaviour. They’ll soon learn.

The fuck-ton of photos uploader
Wow, so during all the fun and lack of sleep you managed to reel off shit-loads of photos? That’s right, nothing says ‘we enjoyed ourselves’ like photographic evidence! Call me a cynic but surely, if THAT much fun was going on, you’d forget you had the camera/camera on your phone… wouldn’t you?

This person can also double up as:

The rubbish photo uploader
Most people select the choice few shots to upload from whatever activity they were documenting. Not this person. Shit blurry picture at wonky angle? That’ll do! Everyone got evil looking red eyes? Fuck it- ain’t got time to click the ‘remove red-eye’ button on the picture viewer. Half the lens covered by a finger? It matters not. If they took the photo, it’s being shared. How else will the rest of us tell how fun the evening was?

The ridiculous abbreviator
Ths prsn is so bsy tht only essntial vwls r inclded in thr wllpsts nd cmmnts to sav tme. Or worse than that they only drop one letter from a solitary randm word.

The incessant ‘liker’
This person ‘likes’ EVERYTHING: local businesses, websites, bands, actors, sayings (what. the. fuck?), reactionary tabloid fear-mongering… An example I’ve seen recently is someone ‘liking’ the English Defence League and ‘cuddles with the one you love’ in the same evening (Yeah- conflicted much?!).

The overly sentimental couple
We all have at least one in our friend list. If you’re thinking ‘I don’t!’ and you’re in a relationship; it’s you. One of them tells the other they love them. The other replies the same. Then they do it again. And again. And again… See, these folk tend to forget that the unfortunate souls that happen to be friends with both of them see the ‘cute’ exchanges appear in their newsfeeds. Scientists have actually found a direct correlation between overly sentimental wall posts and the increase in diabetes cases throughout the world*. So please, on behalf of everyone’s blood-sugar levels; next time you feel the burning desire to declare your love to your better half, just send them a text, eh?
*not necessarily true.

The birthday message
‘Hi Babes, Happy Birthday! lol 😉 xx’ which can be translated as: ‘I just logged on, noticed on my homepage that it’s your birthday and thought I would send you a banal, generic birthday greeting… lol 😉 xx

However, worse than this is the loser that replies to each and every birthday message they receive. You people know who you are!

The excessive LOLer

Find something your mate’s posted mildly amusing? Let them know with a LOL! Something mildly (or not at all- doesn’t matter) amusing happen to you? Make your friends aware with a LOL at the beginning/end of every sentence!
LOL should never ever be used. By anyone. Ever. No three letters can identify a moron quicker. It is the Comic Sans of statements. Why is it never used in response to anything genuinely funny?
Don’t get me started on ROFL. At least PMSL could potentially happen… Biologically… Although it should be PML, seeing as myself is one word… lol

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