Facebook: Status updaters we all know

Facebook by Tom NashNow I know that pretty much everyone’s done something similar to this by now but frankly, I couldn’t give a shit…

So without further waffle here is a list of the different types of status updates and updaters one might find on the popular (trans.= evil) social networking website ‘Facebook’ and what they really mean.

The ‘look how busy and fulfilling my life is’
This status update usually starts with ‘just got back from…’ or ‘had a great time at…’ and will probably contain a declaration of how tired they are as a result of what a fantastic time was had by all concerned.

Not to accuse the updater of exaggerating or to doubt just how much fun that festival/holiday/day-trip/weekend away/day at work was, but it is possible for the reader to deduce that rather than being an innocent declaration of enjoyment, this status is a statement. There is someone on that person’s friend list that the update is aimed at.
‘I don’t need you, look; I’m getting on just fine on my own!’
Note that you never see a ‘is sitting in a darkened room crying’ update from these people… Which, to be fair, probably happens just as often as the ‘fun’.

The Ronseal

Does exactly what it says… You know. So this will be such imaginative updates as ‘is going bed’ or ‘just got home from work.’ This person wants to write something deep and meaningful but lacks the capacity to do so. These are the same people who will inform you that they are ‘going to the pub’ in the evening, then hit you with the shocking revelation the next day that (gasp) they are hungover. Really? No shit…

The Philosopher
This thoughtful person shares pearls of wisdom, not necessarily their own (don’t worry- sources are always referenced), that are designed to inspire and enlighten those who read them, maybe even provide a helpful mantra to get you through the day… Yeah, thanks for that.

The song lyric transcriber
‘Hey guys, check out how much this artist ‘gets’ me! They say what I want to say, but better than I could say it!’ In fact, this post simply shows the person who posted it has no imagination… None at all. And if there’s spelling mistakes; no understanding of google searches or copy and paste either.

The hack (More commonly known as ‘The frape’)
Uh-oh. Someone left their account logged on with their real life friends around! If you’re male, this generally means that you will announce your new found homosexuality and a catalogue of sexually transmitted infections to the world. If you are female you will declare your love for oral sex or your appreciation of the practice of fisting. If your friends are really cruel, they will edit your profile too, changing your sexual orientation, interests and political views. And the language. And your profile photo. And if you’re in a relationship, end that. Or even close your account… Just remember to log out, yeah?

The declaration of love
You know, the interesting thing about being in a relationship is… no-one else cares! If we want to know how it’s going we’ll ask, if we don’t ask- shut up- not interested. Everyone has that mate that drones on and on and on and on about their other half and how great they are. It’s bad enough in person- that’s why you stopped ringing them or inviting them on nights out. But now you’ve got to suffer their insecurities online while they reassure themselves that ‘they just had the best weekend ever with the best boyfriend ever! lol xxx’ Right. Who exactly are you trying to convince?

The message to a child
Example: ‘…is wishing her baby boy a happy first birthday. Love you hunny! xxx’
What. Is. The. Point? Does your child have an account? Should I expect to see a response from Junior saying “Cheers Mum and thanks for popping me out! lol 😉 xx’
Just say something like ‘I can’t believe my kid’s already a year old, doesn’t time fly’ or some other worn out cliche, don’t use your child as cover for your attention seeking- it’s not nice for the kid or the people who have to read your saccharin soaked bullshit.

The attention-seeker
Usually says something like ‘…is feeling really low’ or ‘..is hurting so bad right now.’ or whatever. They’re not really. A more accurate update would be ‘…is lonely. Pay attention to me.’ Unfortunately some sucker always takes the bait and responds with a variant of ‘…what’s up hun?’ ROOKIE MISTAKE. Before enquiring, check their previous statuses. If you see a theme, let them wallow. Simple.
Want more reasons to hate social networking? Check out Lamebook or Failbook for a giggle or to lament the end of society as we know it.
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3 thoughts on “Facebook: Status updaters we all know

  1. libbyyjelley

    Loved this post Tom cracked me up, very funny i agree with all of them, i am guilty of one or two and still i was laughing while agreeing. its all about the truth of someone thoughts and views keep them coming. Think you have a very strange but clever way of thinking Tom. 10/10

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